Come on, admit it. You’ve all done it-cruised the ads, that is, hopelessly mining the black 10pt Times New Roman on white, or even in your RSS feed viewer if you’re a technophile, searching for that elusive flash of recognition. Or maybe you just like the drama, the requests for initials, the coded messages between Frogbelly and Ratboy, the tortured twisted poetry sent out into the cold world of the intarweb, transmitted but only possibly received…or the slanderous name slinging and “your dead to me” threats, or even, maybe, the “me: brown hair, blue eyes, you: black tee, blue jeans, short hair, you looked at me for a second from the other side of Holocene, meet me for coffee?” infused jabs of wistfulness.
Whatever it is, you’ve done it. Read, that is. Skimmed. Maybe you’ve even posted your own ad? What is it about the missed connections ads in this town-everyone’s reading them, everyone’s writing them, are we too shy to talk to people up front any more? What happened to taking risks, asking someone out? Why are we resolving (or, actually, not resolving) our issues with people in public forums?
Let me tell you a little about my first known experience with craigslist missed connections. I, against my better judgment, decided to go to G4G when it was still at the Wonder Ballroom around this time last year. I have to admit I was pretty blitzed when I showed up-my lack of dinner and two Long Islands was making itself known. So I have no doubt that I managed to make a fool of myself chatting with the cute girl I saw outside the club…and was very surprised to see a missed connections ad on Craigslist for me a day or two later. We corresponded a little, but things fizzled, until I bumped into her again many months later. We were lovers for a while, before we settled on being friends…A true Portland style missed connection? Since then, I have had other missed connections ads, none of them have turned into anything viable, and one was posted by an acquaintance. But what makes me wonder-why are we finding it so hard to go up to people and talk to them? Are we missing our connections in the real world because we’re relying on Craigslist?
Granted, I will agree that there are reasons why queers have a harder time approaching potentials in public. We may not be sure that the person that gives us butterflies is queer, (there are straight people in Portland, you know! Even if they do look gayish.) We may not want to out them or feel like we’re harassing them at their work, we may be too shy to approach them when they’re standing with their friends, looking oh-so-absorbed and cool. It might be laundry day. We might have just climbed out of a sewer. These are all possibilities. But no matter how well connected we get, how omnipresent and all-encompassing the internet becomes, there is no guarantee we’ll get that a second chance of seeing that handsome butch, that tall and lean biker, that cute flower girl, or that “Abercrombie-hottie @ CCs”. Isn’t that butterfly feeling worth the risk? Yes? No? Ask Google?
Once, recently, I went up to a very cute blonde girl at a local drinking establishment near my house and simply gave her my number. I was wearing my oh-so-sexy immobilizer brace due to screwing up my shoulder in a recent bike crash, but I thought, why not? Confidence is sexy, right? So is boldness. Way sexier than an ad. The girl never called (she must have been involved! Just kidding), but all my friends who were with me told me they admired my confidence. And that felt pretty good too.
And what is the reason we are discussing our private lives in public? I’ve done it, I admit..It’s less direct than emailing, texting or calling, especially if you’re in one of those “I don’t know if we’re talking to each other” type situations I’ve been finding myself in a lot the last few months. But I also realize that it’s a not a way of communicating that will help resolve anything. But what I really don’t understand is the naming-and-shaming that goes on–calling people out by name without giving them a chance to defend themselves. I have been the victim of misinformation campaigns in the past by someone who was clearly certifiable and a liar, and it really screwed things up for me. So stop being so childish and juvenile, be a man! (Or whatever it is that you are! Just be it! Like, properly!)
So Portland, what IS up with your fascination with those missed connections? It really is becoming a Portland phenomenon. But you know what else is? Those awesome Now Is All You Have Stickers…
Let’s change it!
Portland is a city full of shy, ridiculously cute artist and artist-look-alike (also gay and gay look alike) types. Many working in the service industry (hear of barista art? barista artist?). Maybe Portland is a little insecure. People are really nice here, maybe too nice to think about actually trying to get with another person (all that rejection). Then again, I can only vouch for me and my shy dykey friends.
I don’t think that the missed connection hunting epidemic is unique to Portland. As people become more screen-dependent, less open to people outside of the network, it makes sense that people are also becoming a little bit shyer about face-to-face declarations of like. I think that missed connections just make the problem worse. People feel like they have another venue to contact strangers. And if someone doesn’t reply to a missed connection thread, it doesn’t mean that they don’t like you–they may not be checking the page. It might not even feel like rejection, just a missed connection.
The real missed connection is the one that happens between two live bodies. Rejection is lame, but I would argue that its a hell of a lot less lame than no interaction. I’ve found that when I’m rejected, I still get something out of the deal. At the very least I feel brave.
Do it. Because confidence IS sexy.
While many missed connections do seem to be regrets of gutless behavior (which is astonishing since most of them are from bars, which are just dripping with liquid confidence), distanced lovers, or misdirected rants, there is also a niche for genuine, yet inappropriate longings. Missed connections offers an anonymous way to tell somebody how you feel about them, even if it’s something you could never really say without hurting someone else. You can tell a friend who is taken that they are completely adored and their smile makes your day without their girlfriend going crazy, for example. If the recipient reads it, it’s great to know somebody feels that way about you! No harm done, only good. However, this doesn’t mean I’m condoning people sending out messages like this with motives to get in contact to cheat on somebody, or leave a spouse.
Craigslist is also a venue for people to put their feelings out into the universe (of Portland) and feel better having known that it has been said. From poets like the Daisyman to lonely people sitting at home with their cats, it’s a way to express feelings like “missed connection with my bike,” or “next time you try to run me over, A-hole, my foot will most definitely be connecting with your face.”
In the end, I agree that people should put themselves out there more and take a chance. At the very least, you get practice! Though the CLMCs are a great backup for when you can’t. 😉
It honestly never stops to fish slap me at just the kind of stuff you see about or happening on Craigslist.
I think it’s a lot about instant gratification as well. You can’t always go out every night (well, I’ve tried and boy there’s only so long you last at 27) but you can be online 24/7 and get all kinds of satisfying replies, arguments, flirting etc. I’m sick right now and should take it easy but I can still interact online!
Plus, I’m usually all about the real interaction vs. the computer but occasionally you do lose your nerve and in the next second you’ve lost your chance. Therein lies Missed Connections. Or sometimes people’s friends just won’t leave them alone long enough for you to really make your move dammit!
Lastly, I think that while CL is big in other cities our w4w section really kicks everyone else’s ass. Even in SF, both dykey and techy, there’s a lot less going on. Not sure what that’s about. Maybe our “w”s are more inclusive? I know I get all kinds of confused over the best categories to post in…
What I’d like to know is when did crazy become a criticism? So often I read postings on CLMS attacking an ex and it doesn’t seem to be enough to simply say “God, you’re a real Bitch, I wish I never dated you!!!!” No, instead you read postings claiming every mental illness known to the layman. What qualifies anyone but a trained professional to make such diagnosis? Or have they indeed started handing out a PH.d for simply showing up? If so, where do I get mine. The truth is it wasn’t so long ago that homosexuality was considered a mental illness and we were locked-up and treated accordingly. Also, anyone in the right set of circumstances or exposed to the right stress could fit comfortably in any number of categories or sub-categories of the DSM-4. Why attack someone based on supposed or imagined mental illness? I mean I’m crazy because you’re stupid? There is something wrong with me because you don’t understand? As if my value as a human being is somehow attached to your ability or inability to conceptualize beyond the extraordinarily limited scope of your frame of reference, that’s yours and not mine. Stalking really pisses me off to, “She’s stalking me!!! Stop Stalking me!!!” There is a proportionately higher number of stalking orders filed by lesbians….Why? The courts don’t have the time or inclination to wade through the finer nuances of a love gone awry. Quite often stalking orders are filed with a new partner against the evil-stalking-ex and not necessarily because she has done particularly out of the ordinary, but because one dumped the other for another and they want to be left alone.
I too am utterly addicted to the w4w missed connections section in Portland. I stalk it like it’s my job. I also stalk other cities. Maybe it’s because I don’t have television and long for some soap opera drama in my life? They are so much fun!
Yes, I secretly hope one will be about me some day, but I am one of the only women in Portland that looks straight. (sidenote: you need to do a blog about how confusing it is that every woman here looks gay… if you haven’t already) I hit on way too many straight girls on accident. Portland throws off my East Coast gaydar. The only reason I would post an ad on this was if I truly didn’t get the chance to talk to someone. I have always had to do the “picking up,” because no one ever thinks I’m homo.
For me, it’s all about the annonymous voyeurism. I would feel too guilty to do it if I knew who these people were.
ahh yes…Missed Connections…I don’t even live in PDX anymore and I still read them. I have left a few…one for the amazing cute barista that I just don’t have balls enough to hit on, and a few for friends here n there for fun. What I don’t get is the ones that are serious slander…really lame! I have read the W4W ads in other cities…and PDX is by far the most interesting. I have also posted ads/responded to ads and it never fails that most of the responses are from folks I already know…and some from friends. I have made some good friends, and had a hot date or two thanks to CL. I do wish that they would have a “queer seeking queer” section that would be more trans friendly. As well as a section for all the Bi-sexual folks out there. All in all CL is a crazy guilty pleasure that keeps me entertained.