Bicoastal Baby — Who said it was easy?

Who said it was easy?

I said for me, long distance is a choice. I never said it was easy.

Well, it’s a choice most of the time, but that’s fodder for another column.

Luckily I’m not alone in my struggles (that’s not to say I wish struggle among others, it’s just nice to know folks in a similar boat).

Take D. for example. D. is a heteroflexible male med student living in Portland. His fiancé, B., is a bisexual female living in Eugene where she goes to school. It’s a 110-mile drive -certainly not a long distance relationship, but more accurately dubbed “Middle distance” by D.

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Getting back to it (together but apart)

Right before I leave Captain’s place in Portland, I start revving up for my return to Brooklyn.

It’s been something I’ve consistently done, not exactly consciously, but as I sit on his couch at my laptop thinking about how in a few days I will be back across the country, I want to start scheduling time with people and activities. It sort of eases the pain and separation anxiety of saying good-bye.

I’ll be the first to say being in a bicoastal relationship can be weird. It’s strange to spend almost all your time with someone for a couple of weeks at a time and then separate and get back into a rhythm of e-mails, texts and Skype dates.

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Bicoastal Baby: On neutral ground

Greetings from Cottonwood, Arizona. I’m here with Captain as we decided to meet and spend a week in the Sedona area before starting a road trip back to Portland to celebrate New Year’s.

I really enjoy meeting in a neutral place, aka not my place and not his. I guess you could call it a vacation – though we are both working. But mainly, it’s a treat to get away together, in a space that becomes our shared (temporary) home without the attachments and responsibilities that our regular individual localities often bring.

While we strive to bring a sense of normalcy when each of us visits the other and continue on with our regular schedules (for the most part), it’s nice to get away and just have some special time for us. I think it keeps us in balance and in check. Not to mention, it just feels good to get away.

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Bicoastal Baby: Ushering in surrender

All things change.

I know, deep right? But it’s true. And it’s especially true when you are in a relationship with someone who lives across the country.

And sometimes it presents challenges.

For one, sometimes your financial situation changes. When I met Captain, I was working a full-time corporate job (not making much money) but I was gainfully employed and had the basics covered even though I was miserable. At some point, after we became more serious, I went from full-time to telecommuting so I could travel and visit him. This was both my ticket out of cube culture and a way for me to support my budding romance. But now, a year out of leaving my job and a year into my freelance life, my finances have changed and while I have way more flexibility on my hands, freelancing doesn’t always equate to steady work, which means less money in the pocket. And less money in the pocket sadly means less funds to pay for those airline tickets. We’ve been lucky, however, and have always managed to have the resources we’ve needed to make a visit happen. And a large part of that has been to planning.

Secondly, long distance relationships go through the same stages as geographically intimate relationships – they just take longer to get there and adjust. We had a great honeymoon stage – full of passion, sexy whispers and future plans. That’s not to say those plans and passion don’t exist now that the shine has worn off a bit, but let’s just say we are more realistic. We are also settling into our respective homes (in our respective cities) a bit more.

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Is parting such sweet sorrow?

The second installment of New Yorker Liz Gold’s recurring column on maintaining a long distance relationship with a Portlander. And it’s just in time for Thanksgiving when many of us are thinking about those we care about far away.

The nature of being in a long-distance relationship is that at some point you have to say good-bye.

Good-bye for right now, that is, not good-bye forever.

But sometimes it can feel that way.

In my last column I talked about the “amp up” or that time right before seeing my partner, Captain. It’s the 48-hour window of adrenaline, excitement (and yes, anxiety) that happens as I gear up to head cross country to Portland to visit him – or on the flip side, the juice that I feel getting ready for his arrival to Brooklyn.

But of course with the amp up, comes the descend and it starts for me about two days before I know we are going to part. My emotions start working overtime, my senses are heightened and I tend to cry. It’s not pretty and I work on it and Captain is patient with me, but it can be trying because it catapults me into the future taking me out of the present moment.

The point is to enjoy the time we have with each other. And that should be the point for all relationships regardless of whether one is long distance or not. Am I right?

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