Everything is more fabulous in Technicolor!

Doris Day on the cover of Collier's

Don’t get me wrong. I adore how accessible making a movie has become thanks to the digital age. I can make a movie, you can make a movie, and the Olsen twins can make a movie. Almost all of that is pretty great. (cough cough)

However, I was watching a new movie yesterday, which shall remain nameless, and it depicted a real hard slice of American life. It was one of those slow moving works of probable fiction about a man who is so pathetic that you feel sincere pain in the marrow of your bones as you watch him sulk across the screen. Sulky managed to almost put me to sleep when I fell into an almost lucid trance and had a glorious vision.

I dreamed of Doris Day, and not just any version of Doris either. To promote the release of “April in Paris” in 1952 Doris appeared in full technicolor glamour on the cover of Collier’s, and not alone. She posed with poodles.

Isn’t it FABULOUS? Don’t you just want to rip it into bits and mix it into your cocktail? Now, I can’t speak for you, but I can think for you, and this is exactly what you want your life to be like. Can’t you hear heavenly rainbow Doris with her entourage of obedient beasts singing to you?

I’d rather stare at this still image for hours than listen to one more minute of Sulky whining about another lost promotion. Frankly, I’d rather rip my bored eyeballs right out of my head. Doris and I always had a flair for the dramatic. We both share the idea that being vivid and colorful can lift the spirits of everyone in the animal queendom.

The raw power of Technicolor. It was that single moment that the “Wizard of Oz” sprang from a bleak depiction of Kansas farm life into a dazzling songfest of witches and poppies. It is told in my family that my great grandmother Dame Lyska fainted in the theater upon seeing that first scene of color. It was awesome.

It’s evident that completely digital color has nothing on Technicolor to stir a person’s inner unicorn. I mean, if you’re going to watch a boring man almost end his boring life until someone’s idea of an “open ending” ruins even the pleasure of seeing his suicide, I agree, digital color is perfect! But really, would Errol Flynn and his “Merry Men” been nearly as gay without the generous saturation of Technicolor?

Robin Hood and his Mary Men!

“You’ll NEVER guess who I saw Maid Marion frenching by the koi pond!”

At any rate, in future film blogs you’ll notice a lot of the movies I obsess over were kissed by three strip Technicolor. I’d rather get lost in the impossible magic of magenta, than watch sepia toned middle American deadbeats stare at each other to electronic cellos. So, I invite you. You’re on the list, and if you’re on the list, you can be judgey. Trust me, there’s a lot to look at here.

Ideas for future movie posts or if you’d like to tell me something… comment here or mail me HERE
Just make sure to put FILM in all caps somewhere in the message title.

Lyska Mondor is a new contributor who will be writing weekly columns commenting on filmic culture and generally being snarky.

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