Babes in Toyland!

Trees can be evil!

 

Well, this blog was late. Really late. I have some excellent excuses, though. What kind of proper queer would I be, if I didn’t have some awesome excuses? Thank you, San Francisco, for being a little too much fun this weekend. So, let’s dry out, and take a wholesome journey together to appreciate a Disney Classic.

Rarely, will you find me dissing on a movie that I have sincerely enjoyed. However, Hyundai lag has left me a bit too exhausted to sugarcoat.

I humbly present “Babes In Toyland”. It’s the 1961 version with Tommy Sands and Annette Funicello. This is NOT to be confused with the 1934 or 1986 version. I could write about the latter, because it stars Drew Barrymore and a young Keanu Reeves. He starts a rather painful singalong in a car about Cincinatti. Clap those hands Keanu. Clap them.

In this film, you have a storybook community that is carefully watched over by the silent Mrs. Goose. She doesn’t tell stories… wow, way to fight that stereotype. Famous people live there. Let’s see, there’s Jack-B-Nimble, who jumps over a 10 foot tall candle stick, and actually catches on fire! There’s Simple Simon, who juggles towers of pies. He probably works for Sharis now. There’s these lemonade girls. I don’t know what to say about the lemonade girls. When god gives you lemonade girls… make lemonade girl sandwiches?  ??? At any rate, everyone’s pretty iconic, until… the son of the Pied Piper of Hamelin, and Mary Contrary are introduced.

Really? Remember Hamelin? The Pied Piper drowned a bunch of rats for Hamelin, and when the town refused to pay him, he stole and drowned the children. Oh good, it’s his son Tommy Piper. I agree, the son should not pay for the sins of the father, but, no one even brings it up. That’s a little awkward.

Let’s talk about Annette Funicello’s character. She’s that “Mary Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow?” person. How nice does Mary Contrary sound? I guess, a bit nicer than a name attached with infanticide. Do you like this snarkiness from me? Truthfully, I snort up this thinly guised wholesomeness with a bubble tea straw.

Anette Funicello is so magical. She was the only original Mickey Mouse Club

member hand picked by Walt himself. Middle American families said NO to the bikini until Annette was photographed in one. If it’s modest enough for Annette… then it’s modest enough for little Rhonda. She recorded music… with a very monotone voice. Most of it is about surfing, Hawaii, or made-up words. Maybe, my favorite, is her singing the theme to the original “Parent Trap”.

Back to the movie, Little Bo Peep’s sheep (ugh) are kidnapped. Tom Piper gets sold to gypsies (not pc). Mary is courted by a villain that wants her trust fund. She sings a song about how math does not come naturally to her (not very girl power). Oh, and Tom thwarts the gypsies by dressing and singing in drag. I know what you’re thinking, this seems too random for me. Well, it might be… until.. the evil trees start singing and dancing around them.

Okay, maybe wait to watch this one until you’re physically altered. That could even just mean sleep deprived. Enjoy how random and feel-good it is. Enjoy the very catchy musical numbers with technicolor human puppets flying around on strings. Enjoy it. You’re a bit of a grump if you don’t. On the other hand, call me, we’ll have a whiskey at the Bye and Bye instead.

Here is where to see the drag number, and the evil trees all in one.

You can use that link to watch all the parts of the movie… have fun with that.