The year in Lindsay Lohan

Poor little Lilo

You still have a few more days to wait until I unveil my 2010 best ofs (I’m really trying to sell it can’t you tell?). But the Portland Mercury’s multi-author celebrity gossip and giggle fest One Day at a Time has used the year end opportunity to recount every headline that the bisexual Lindsay Lohan made.

It’s actually quite a bit. Below are some of my favorites:

SATURDAY, JANUARY 9 Lindsay Lohan is making good on her New Year’s resolution to turn over a new leaf! Last week LiLo twatted, “2010 is about moving forward, not backwards. Leaving the bad (people, habbits, and negative energy behind) time to make changes-right!?!? :).” MEANWHILE… This evening Lindsay Lohan hit a photographer with her car. “I want to press charges,” the angry paparazzo told TMZ.com. “She’s going to jail.” Insert frowny emoticon here.

SATURDAY, MARCH 27 Tonight, actress Lindsay Lohan was seen leaving a friend’s house in Los Angeles with a mysterious white powder puffing out of her shoes. WE ARE NOT KIDDING. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. At this point we are unable to determine the exact identity of the white substance, which could be baby powder, flour, or just to make a wild guess, perhaps cocaine that has filled her body to the point where it now squirts from her toenails.

THURSDAY, MAY 6 Today Michael Lohan—deadbeat dad to Lindsay Lohan—was struck by lightning while flying in a plane from New York to LA. Unfortunately for all concerned, the plane landed safely and he continued on his path of making sure his daughter is dead before her 25th birthday. When reached for comment, God said, “What can I say? Throwing lightning bolts is not an exact science.”

TUESDAY, JUNE 8 Beep! Beep! Beep! Hey, what’s that sound? Oh, gosh… that’s the noise Lindsay’s SCRAM ankle bracelet makes when it detects (a) alcohol entering Lindsay’s system, and (b) the judge in charge of her probation raising her bail to $200 grand! Lindsay appealed this decision in THE COURT OF TWATTER. “My scram wasn’t set off—It’s physically impossible considering I’ve nothing for it to go off,” Lindsay attempted to write. (Maybe that was Tarzan’s Twatter?)

WEDNESDAY, JULY 21 “FI-RE-CROTCH! FI-RE-CROTCH! FI-RE-CROTCH!” That was the chant led by the ladies of Lynwood prison in response to Lindsay’s arrival, according to the Daily Mirror. And how is Lindsay dealing with this notoriety? Mmmmm… not so well. “Her wailing was keeping everyone awake…. She had a hysterical fit, crying and yelling, so she got put in isolation,” said just-released inmate Cheryl Presser. The paper also reports that Linds was taken to the infirmary because prison officials were worried about “a number of scratches on her arms.” Hmm… sounds kinda upset.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 25 Today Lindsay Lohan made a startling discovery: rehab costs actual money. “Lindsay can’t afford to pay for treatment,” a source tells PopEater. “Three months at the [Betty Ford Clinic] will cost her almost $50,000.” WHAT?? That’s more than a week’s supply of Grey Goose!