Unconditional Love

No, this movie isn’t pre 1970, but it’s fairly unknown, and that’s a crime.

This movie has nothing to do with prison.. maybe... the prison of the closet

Welcome back to a world of queer beauty where you’re perfectly safe from all the things you have to do today. I won’t let them get you.

So, you know how icons such as Barry Manilow (who makes a cameo) are hetero icons, but homo at home? This movie is ALL about that. We can’t ignore the age long stereotype that the “perfect man” is sometimes gay. Of course, gay men will tell you that isn’t really true. It’s the idealism of the unattainable that’s perfect.

“Look at you, always wantin’ somethin’ you can’t have.”

That quote is not from this movie, but you know what it’s from, comment with your email. I’ll send you a reply telling you how very clever you are.

It is appropriate, as the wonderful Kathy Bates plays a broken housewife named “Grace Beasley” in search of her raison d’ĂȘtre. Her best friend is a panic stricken mom named Maudey, who is married to Grace’s son, and also happens to be a dwarf. How amazing that her baby’s name is “Pokey”. I approve of silly names for children. Children are silly… more kids should be named Pokey, Shnookems, or Bezique (a 19th century French trick-taking card game).

“No, Shnookems, no!” or “Yes Bezique.. you’re very good!” See how satisfying it is?

Maudey is in your face about her size. Her mean-streak is awesome!

Grace Beasley glamorizes her imaginary relationship with Victor Fox. She wakes up every morning and listens to his sappy greatest hits. When he’s crossbowed to death in Chicago before she consummates meeting him in person, she buys a last ditch ticket to England to meet his friends and family. Apparently, all he has left, is an oddly bitter group of siblings, and a valet attempting to drink himself to death. One of the focuses of this movie is the evil of keeping yourself in the closet. It ruins people… and outfits. Nothing pretty should be best friends with a mothball.

You know how you’re sitting around your house thinking, “Gee, I wish Julie Andrews would burst in and solve my problems!” Well kittens, that happens!

Q: How do you solve a problem like Maria? A: If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

Julie Andrews takes control of a plane flight too riddled with turbulence by using the power of Grayskull. No, she uses the power of song. She sings “Getting to Know You” from “The King and I”. It’s an over-the-top cameo fitting an over-the-top-movie. Julie is flying to England to attend Victor Fox’s funeral. It’s the same flight that Grace Beasley is on, of course. I did find it hard to believe that Dame Andrews flies coach. Perhaps, she really is a lady of the people.

When our heroine shows up on the doorstep of Victor’s former “valet” she’s met with unexpected hostility. Dirk is drunk-grieving with his useless friends, and is refusing to leave Victor’s property. I LOVE his character (played by Rupert Everett). He isn’t nice or like-able. He’s angry, and has every right to be angry. I bet you can guess why he’s mad…

Turned away, Bates is pulled into the bushes by a wide-eyed woman in conservative clothing. No, it’s not for a make-out sesh. She’s then hustled into a fancy British looking vehicle and taken to, yes, lunch! It turns out Victor Fox’s family is trying to take the house away from Dirk, and they think Grace is an elite member of the music industry.

stuck up gay-hating sister

Fox’s siblings start rambling immediately about how Victor was NOT gay. They have memories of him being virile. They hate that Dirk is claiming to be his life partner. Uh… there’s a scene where they find his fluffy feathery bathrobe later. Who are these jerks trying to fool?

Now how do I get Kathy Bates to cart me around on a bicycle...

Mrs. Beasley comes through for us. It’s true, she used to imagine herself smooching Victor Fox, but she’s fine with accepting the real him. He was a cheating, sly, charismatic homo with a heart of gold. Um, maybe not always the romantic ideal, but I’ll go along with it. She worms her way into a friendship with Dirk, and they return to Chicago to team up with Maudey. They aim, as a team, to find the “Crossbow Killer”. The man who shot Victor Fox while he was looking for a male prostitute.

I can’t tell you how much I love the housewife-gay valet-anxiety ridden dwarf combo! They put Maudey in a red raincoat when they’re stalking around underground Chicago. It’s a reference to an obscure movie called “Don’t Look Now”. Don’t look at Don’t Look Now. It’s just more anti small people sentiment, and the dwarf playing the serial killer in the red raincoat is not as campy of an image as it insulting. Hearing Maudey talk about the movie, and saying, “Nobody messes with a dwarf in a red raincoat,” is the funniest part of the reference. Actually, I’ve seen the actress who plays Maudey in a few other things. Jerry Bruckheimer, the producer of “CSI” and “Without a Trace” must really like her. She’s been on both series, and steals the show both times.

Going out to find the Crossbow Killer... Maudey is armed with an incredibly large handgun

You’ll fall in love with the characters. I was afraid when I started watching this movie that it was going to be cheesy and boring. Opening credit fonts can really bias me! NO Comic Sans! I mean it! It’s a horrible horrible thing to have to read. If you really want to torture me… make a romantic comedy starring Mel Gibson… record it dubbed in a foreign language… and subtitle the WHOLE thing in Comic Sans! I’d probably explode. ::sigh::

You know what else? Sally Jessy Raphael has a cameo. I forgot how cool she is. My friend Tony wears her glasses, and he looks great!

Here’s a LINK to the Unconditional love trailer.

HERE is a link to the awesome plane scene with Julie Andrews. I also feel safer around great stars of musical theater.


You know you love me. I'm also a great idea for a Halloween Costume!

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