Mio and a young Christian Bale have a pash

Land of Faraway

A more phallic sword I have seen not.

The Land of Faraway or Mio min Mio!

Not everyone knows that The Land of Faraway was Christian Bale‘s first feature movie, but everyone should. As a child, I’d rent any fantasy movie I could get. Unicorns, witches, has-been actors in animal costumes, poorly dubbed foreign films about magic… you name it and I rented it. The Land of Faraway was one of my favorites, and at the time I wasn’t conscious of how homo this movie really was.

So, imagine a fresh-faced young British boy nicknamed Bosse (Bosser) played by little Nicolas Pickard, now a famous British soap star, hating his horrible Stockholm life . The movie and book are set in in Sweden. In fact, the movie is dubbed. Bosse lives with his Aunt Edna and Uncle Sixten, who actually wanted a girl instead of the boy with which they were stuck. Oh man, if I had a dollar. . .

Bosse’s best friend is Benke (Benker), who is played by young¬†Christian Bale. Bosse¬†definitely has daddy issues and is seriously envious of Benke’s relationship with his father. There is a rather sad kite flying scene, and then some even sadder scenes where Bosse gets bullied by boys with hockey sticks whilst wearing a silly hat. They get the hat dirty.

A silly hat is no excuse for bullying.

Yes, that's a floating bearded head moving into a white hole. No comment.

The plot of this movie is so weird, I have a knee-jerk reaction to talking about it! As a child, watching Benke grab on to a giant synthetic man-beard was frightening. Apparently, fleeing your Swedish orphan misery involves a creepy Swedish face-ride.

So, Mio goes to Faraway where he immediately meets his long lost father played by Timothy Bottoms. (tee hee!) Here’s where the first bomb drops… get ready… take a deep breath… Mio’s father is the KING of the Land of Faraway, and Mio is a full fledged prince! Yes, I also just birthed two kittens named “Shock” and “Dismay”.

So, his dad gives him a white horse named “Miramis” and introduces him to a boy named Jum-Jum, who is also Christian Bale. Bosse is now Mio, and Benke is now Jum-Jum… at least they didn’t choose silly names.

Get everything you need at Cloaks n' Ponies n' Flutes n' Things!

I love that these two boys did not have to be parted thanks to the plot… The plot, by the way, has been relocated by the FBI witness protection program. It didn’t exist. They didn’t exist… and all questions can be redirected to the white hole… pictured above.

You will love when our heroes learn a pan flute tune worthy of the great Zamfir. That song would seriously get stuck in my head. It’s way magical! The friends set off on a white pony to go kick Kato’s ass. Their greatest weapon is their love for each other, and I’m not kidding.

King Bottoms at last!

There’s a sword of legend that Mio and Jum-Jum have to retrieve from a blacksmith in a scary mountain. Mio cuts the blacksmith’s chains of bondage, and they leave to confront the dark knight. Even as a child this bothered me. Why didn’t the blacksmith use the sword to free himself? I bet he’s really kicking himself now for not thinking of that.

The final confrontation is pretty darn epic. A giant ball of bad energy light almost takes Mio out, but, armed with a sword and Bale-Love, Mio just might have the tools to come out a victor/victoria.

I feel in my stone heart of hearts… that if these two boys can ride a pony to save a magical land, that my life isn’t all that hard. Remember, your greatest weapon is that repressed love you feel for your magical friends.

Fun info on this film… It cost about fifty million Swedish kronor, making it a very expensive movie, relatively speaking. The theme song, “Mio My Mio” was written by Benny and Bjorn from ABBA. Those crazy kooks! There’s a link to a weird music video below this.

The Land of Faraway was filmed in the location of, and DURING the Chernobyl incident. They had to leave and come back to film. This time, armed with radiation detectors. No big deal everybody! The MAGIC of this project will protect us from cancer.


I think this movie is awesome. I raise my glass to the power of school friends, ponies, and flutes.


Voila! A link to the Mio My Mio music video: SPARKLE! Really, watch this it’s bizarre.

HERE is another link to the weird beard ride scene. How Portland!

And WOAH! one more link to a photo montage set to an Enya song that may make your head explode… it’s that NERDY!

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